Torn Between Two Lovers

I can't decide which blog site I like more, this or my other page.  Indecisive, I know, but I've never been good at making decisions.  (Nose goes, anyone?)  Honestly I forgot I even had a blog, and remembered the other one first.  I've been out of the swing of writing for a few months now and I desperately needed a way to jump back into the game.  I miss writing creatively and this blog thing is seeming more and more like a journal.  So I think maybe I'll use this blog as a creative space to write new fiction and the other blog as a means for my parents fans to keep track of my life.

Dear God I hope I haven't bitten off more than I can chew.

Swear I'm Not Always That Emo

     Okay maybe lately I am.  I guess I'm just dealing with the graduation blues.  I honestly can't help how down I've been feeling lately.  It's a culmination of things that just make me feel like crap.  I'm graduating in May and my life will change yet again but thats what life is about.  It's just not changing the way I want it to.
     To be fair I will say that my life has definitely improved since last September (and not just because I gained entrance to bars.)  My three and a half year relationshit ended on rather terrible terms.  I cried, I protested, I did the whole depression thing.  But I came out of it feeling so much stronger than I did the entire time we dated.  I found myself actually having fun and enjoying being successful.  I rediscovered what a social life was.  When I cut that 170 lb dead weight off I actually lost 30 real pounds.  I finally felt my age instead of acting like an old married lady.  I made new friends, found other people who were interested in me.  I just didn't stay happy.
     Not to say that I'm unhappy.  I'm incredibly happy with my freedom now.  I applied for my dream school for grad school.  I can go out after a long day at work or a particularly stressful week at school and not feel guilty.  My only problem is that now that I've found my freedom as an adult(ish) woman my best friends have already passed this point.  I feel like we did everything backwards.  I was the "committed relationship" friend whilst everyone else went out and had fun.  Three of my best friends are in serious relationships now and another moved across the world to find life on her own.  Why am I still stuck here?  I want to get out and explore the world.  I want to fall in love with someone who loves me just as much.  I want to start life and not feel like a little kid anymore.
      I know that I'm "still young" and "have plenty of time for that" and all that crap that people say to make you feel better.  I get the pity stares and the gentle comments but they're all crap.  I'm not sad about being without him.  I'm sad about never really experiencing love.  I'm sad about having the life that my friends once had, a life of shared happiness, and having it all just go away.  I just want someone to be on the same page as me for once.

No one really reads these anyway

I'm just having another day where I hate myself. I just want to go home and be alone and be someone else. I want to move into a new town with new people and a new life. I think of how wonderful it will be to escape. The only problem is that you can't escape from yourself.